Three Damaging Lies You’re Told After A Breakup

Alone

You never thought it could end.

Your own fairy tale romance was well on course, but well, that’s what it turned out to be… a fairy tale romance.

Thereafter, you began approaching relationships with the opposite sex differently. Maybe you even postulated your theories about them (“all men are cheats” for example) in the aftermath of the breakup.

You had given the relationship your all, but it conspired to leave your fragile heart shattered. The heartbreak made you realize that sometimes love isn’t enough to see a relationship through thick and thin. It made you realize that you can’t live on dreams alone. And it made you realize that love takes two.

Over the course of the next couple of days, weeks, and even months, you’ll hear a lot of consolatory words. You see, the problem is, some are outright lies, and will only set you up for future heartache.

P.S: The list below will definitely not be lies for everyone.

Consider the following:

  1. It’s Not Your Fault

Really?

This one is always meant to comfort you. First of all, admit it or not, the one leaving may find it easier to move on than the person they’re breaking up with. That’s because in most cases they’ve prepared their hearts for it over time (couple of days or weeks).

NB: Men are generally worst-hit by a breakup.

For such ones, they’re not just breaking up because they’d love to. Leaving is a last resort.

I don’t mean breakups caused by differences in tastes of music, or career goals, or choice of rearing kids.

I mean breakups caused by a lack of anger control (call it self-control if you may) that makes a man hit a woman every time they have some misunderstanding. She puts up with it for as long as she can, believing him every time he tells her it won’t happen again. But she soon discovers she’s waiting in vain.

I mean breakups caused by a lady belittling her man every chance she gets privately and publicly. When he expresses how he feels about it each time, she tells him she didn’t mean to make him feel less of a man. He leaves because he can’t wait to stop feeling disrespected.

I mean breakups caused by a disdainful cheating habit. Every time he’s caught with another girl, he tells her she’s just a friend. Until he’s caught in bed with someone else….

Fine. I’m not saying it’s your fault your man or lady left you, but have you considered the possibility? I’m not saying the breakup will hurt less because you’re at fault. But best forget the “you deserve better than him or her” line. It may only blur you to the truth.

Because you see, if your lover leaves, sometimes it’s because they deserve better than you.

Take time to analyze what may have caused the breakup. And if you’re really at fault, you can work on the personality flaw in preparation for your next relationship….

Otherwise, it’ll only be another heartbreak waiting to begin.

 

  1. You deserve better than your ex

I almost sneaked this in the first lie, but I believe it deserves its own heading.

When our partner leaves us, the initial reaction is often shock, denial, disbelief, and maybe anger. Anger as in: “That … (fill invective here)”.

It’s even worse when a well – meaning friend tells you: “Hey don’t worry, you deserve better than that jerk”.

Okay. Let’s get this right.

A man deserves better than the woman he made his punching bag? The one who left because she had gotten to breaking point?

Or a woman deserves better than the man who patiently but hopelessly thought she’ll discard her cheating for good?

So you were thinking: “It’s her loss. She’ll never find someone like me!” Of course, she doesn’t deserve someone like you. She deserves someone better!

What’s the point?

You were hurt by the breakup. It happens. Looking back now, is there anything you would do differently in your next relationship? Has the breakup revealed areas you would like to improve on in your life?

It’s easy to write a book about why your ex was a terrible partner simply because he or she initiated the breakup. It’s easier to crave a better person for our next relationship.

You may even have a list of qualities you want in this “better person”. Ask yourself: “Do I have a list of qualities I want to cultivate for my next relationship?”

You see, that “better person” you seek has probably been made who she is by heartache too. A breakup refined them. They learned. Have you learned from your breakup?

 

  1. You’ll forget about him/her in no time

Don’t worry, this too will pass. You’re told you’ll get over the breakup in little to no time. People make it sound so easy, so much so you “beat yourself up” for grieving over the breakup longer than they say you should.

You start believing that after three months if you drive past a restaurant you frequented with your date you won’t feel a pulling in your chest.

Or if six months later a future date tells you “I love you”, you won’t unconsciously have a little voice in your head saying: “Till when?”

Or you believe that at the demise of a five-year old relationship, you’re weak if a year later, you still find your mind straying to your ex at odd moments.

Some vilify one or all of the above. The sad truth is that it may well take a lifetime to forget or for some, get over a breakup. And that depends often on the length of the relationship before it actually got broken.

The cliché “forgive and forget” gives some insight into why it’s so.

What do those words mean to you?

They don’t mean that if you forgive an offense against you, it will automatically get out of your head.

It simply means that you’ll not hold the offense against the offender or bring it up for use against them in future. Minor offenses can be easily forgotten, and memories of them may fade away.

But how do you forget an attempt on your life by someone you know? How do you forget someone trying to rape or actually raping you? Or how do you forget a relative taking advantage of your childish innocence by molesting you?

Even if you eventually forgive the offender, you may never succeed in putting it out of your mind.

Forget what “experts” may say, you may never forget a breakup or stop feeling hurt whenever you recall it. Okay, that’s depending on how many breakups you experience or how many years the relationship(s) lasted.

“It has been said that time heals all wounds, I don’t agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue, and the pain lessens, but is never gone.”

– Rose Kennedy

Feeling hurt after the passage of time because of a failed relationship is no sign of weakness. Best let go of any resentment towards your ex, because if you don’t, that’s when the suffering starts.

“Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.”

– Haruki Murakami

If you can let go of resentment, the pain may gradually fade away.

 A breakup can save your life!

You need to have moved on from your breakup to see things clearly and in a right perspective. You don’t need to be told how devastating a breakup can be. This famous quote best describes it:

“I don’t know why they call it heartbreak. It feels like every other part of my body is broken too.”

– Terri Guillemets

So not just your heart is affected, but other vital parts and functions are affected too. From insomnia and chest pain to heart attacks and digestive problems, a breakup wreaks havoc on the body.

But it is only when you’re over the breakup can you sit to analyze what went wrong in the relationship. And that means honest self-appraisal and humility is required.

Honesty in not downplaying any faults of yours you realize could have led to the breakup. And humility in accepting those faults and trying to make needed changes in preparation for your next relationship.

You may discover you were not at fault in any way for the demise of the relationship. Oh, yeah, that means you can lie on a sofa all day wondering why your ex was such a brute. Right?

We are humans, and that means the search for perfection never ends. Meanwhile, keep working at being better today than you were yesterday. So that when the “better person” you’re waiting for comes along, you’ll handle the new relationship better.

And maybe this time, your relationship will only die a natural death.

What’s the most damaging lie you’ve been told by a comforter after a breakup? Share in the comments below.

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Comments

  1. wow eyo!

    Thanks a million.

    I really enjoyed this posts.. you were brutally honest about what hundreds of people shamefully chicken out of.

    Because the truth is breakup most times is painful and most of the consolations are in words of pure decite and lies.

    And truly, that’s the most painful part of breakups.

    You nailed this post and I love your courage. This is exactly what bloggers should give try themselves to.

    HONESTLY.

    Thanks eyo and keep up the good work.

    I just shared this.

  2. Thank you Charles.

    I’m glad you enjoyed the post.

    Yup, people do lie to us to make us feel better. But in the end, we may have to look within to determine what went wrong in a relationship. At least so we won’t repeat our mistakes, or we can seek help for any problems we find.

    Thanks for reading….And sharing.